Ozakmrzmn
Seventeen
A Republican
Mysteriously Magical
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Sunday, December 30, 2007
oh please tell me your answer
went to work just now morning was feeling really blue. i felt tired+sleepy+pissed off+devastated+lonely. mostly was devastated. im bout to cry in d train itself. but people might see so i force myself not to. damn! so many questions have been playing in my head. and im getting weaker, no one noes exactly how i feel. for d past 2 days ive been putting a mask on my face, i was just pretending. i was right, no wonder i felt somethings wrong for d past 3 weeks. i finally had my answers. dint expect it wud turned out dis way. this is hard. this is so difficult. please see and remember wat ive done for u for d last 10 months. its really killing me, why did u do dis to me? i really dint imagine dat dis matter cud drag me to be lyk dis. i feel different now, even d msgs ive seen u was different. i dunnoe how long i might take to recover, i donnoe how am i gonna get over it.
fuckkkkkkkkk!it d 3rd day already and its becoming much worse den yest or d day i got to noe d truth. ohh my, im struggling. im really am. nothing seems to make me feel better. nothing at all. please let me be happy again. don treat me as if imma spare tyre. im really falling apart now. how do i deal with dis? i just cant accept wat uve done. i cant believe it in my own eyes. im so worn out. you dunnoe how i feel cos i nvr did dhose things before. ive been clean for so long. why must u choose to do dat? u have an innocent girlfriend at home, and ur doing dat to her. omg i felt lyk as if ive been stabbed. u might hate dis post but dis is how i can express my feelings and let it out. imma puzzle yes indeed. ever complex in every way. you take my heart away and you left it lying around jus like dat. do u mean it wen u say sorry? do u mean it wen u say u still wana be with me? why did u do dat? to me you arent serious. ur jus playing around wif my feelings. if someone really loves you,he/she wudnt do dat. cos her/his feelings towards dheir love is so strong and u wun do anitin to make him/her hurt. if i dint found out d truth, wud u still wana continue doing dat?stupid.yes indeed
im just so worn out inside. so many questions have been playing in my mind. i don noe whats next? is he for real or is he jus playing around? would he ever want to do it again? must i be the only girl living on earth so dat he wud be faithful to jus one, just one i said. am i not good enough? is he getting sick of me? is he playing around with my feelings? have he ever tink wat have i done to him previously, is it not good enough? are we falling apart? do i really wan dis? does hes feelings fading now? does he noes hes an ATTACHED boy? does he ever consider my feelings first before all dis started? is he really going to stop? is he really in love with me like i do? does he tinks im being paranoid? why does he do dat in the first place? does he have an eye for her? wat have i done wrong? is he serious bout me?
god,i tot i do good things, good things happen to me. i tot if i change and make oders happy, he'll do the same for me. i guess i don do it sincere enough. god im alone here, i got no one. i jus need to be respected for who i am. well yea people judge by looking at looks, i noe i aint as pretty or as hot as whoever out dere. but wen comes to dis, at least i noe wats right and wrong. right now u have made my days turn into nights. now i realised, being faithful to someone is not easy. cos u might tink dat everythings perfect but u don actually noe dat ur world is toppling down. dats wen u tink dat ur far from perfect, you see. he might hav not notice but ive really sacrifice alot for him. jus to see he smile, jus to make him happy. but why must it turned out dis way?i don deserve dis. ive never go out to guys and start all mushy mushy wif dem. no no no. i can say it proudly, NO hav i not shown much love to you? wat more is insufficient? its driving me crazy. fuck well yea ur gona go to a new sch and mit alot of new people and "friends". lets jus wait and see whats next? ive been flashing back everything u said and all those msgs was hurtful.deeply i mus say. wen i all these going to end? i mean END. no more already. i say end end end. fullstop. no comas or dash. not clear enough? ok i say END, FULLSTOP, NOMORE. baby palin zanna thanks darla for d advise and console.i love you girls no matter wat. i really do. after hearing those words from u girls was an eye opener for me.
catch a movie on chrismas last tue was fun. went to watch i am legend wif boyf and ohh it was scary as hell, full of suspends, zombies popping up here and dere. we dint really get a nice spot to sit cos it was fullhouse back then. dint had a choice bt had to go with it. at least we get to watch d movie dats good enough for me already. anw after dat, we went to forever 21 and bought a cute top[well to me it is]. blablabla proceed to raffles place and chill plus camwhoring session wif boyf. we're both were trying hard to queeze out of our brains which pose to do. eheh. and den after all dat fun stuff, things were actually getting worse. i lost my fucking wallet wif 30+bucks inside. my tears started to roll down and i was feeling panic at d disko! but boyf was really kind, he tried to calm and console me. dhose hugs and kisses is ol i need at dat point of time, i actually did felt much better. thanks honey, uve helped me alot. grrrr but luckily an auntie called and tol me she found my ic and ezlink, its wif her so i shud come d next day mit at her workplace. grrrrr but my money and wallet was gone. she only manage to find my cards and d merepeks stuff inside my wallet previously. cb kan dat orgg who steal my money. i was totally exhausted and thristy so boyf treat me coke since im out of cash datym. we sat at d nearest mac, singing songs from hes psp since deres no people dere. only me and him and one couples. we bumped into afiq amali n d gang in d mac itself. kecoh abis uh dorang. hakhak betol. we then went to mit lots more at raffles. plus d kecohness. but i end up being d only girl dere. bahhhh. and its d second tym i chilled wif them quite late. best best best. it was getting real late, so me and boyf end up teking cab instead. he's daddy was kind enough to pay d taxi fare. mak aii i was feeling so guilty cos im being sucha troublesome.
most stupid tv show ive ever seen goes to hantu jatuh cinta. stupid plus confusing story line. cant wait for tmr! but gahhhh gotta work in d morning, so it seems dat i have to rush and change quickly so dat i wun miss d 430 movie slot. anw ghost falling in love, wrotes letter, speaks to a girl. wtfuck! is dis DUMB show or wad? peh merepek feel like strangling everyone who acts in it. so slow freaking minded, he knows dat hes wife is being so evil trying to kill hes own daughter yet dunwan to ask for a divorce or wadsoeva. why so slow? he saw wif his own eyes dat dey're trying to kill her daughter for hellsake u motherfucker. im jus so iritated by d show. who could be much stupid to telecast dis show. like hello am i d only one who tinks dis show is dumb? i say CRAPCRAPCRAP! how bout dat?
ohh please can you stop asking me dat qns? ive oreadi answer, wat more you wan? happy? not enough? i shud be asking u dat instead. gahhhhh! dint i prove it to u oreadi how much i like u? don ever say after 10mths we've been together u still don geddit. tsk. ive save up my money just to catch a movie with u dis christmas. ive been longing to go with u. i jus cant wait for dat day to come and yet u make things so hard for me. why? for you i guess its still not clear enough to answer ur qns right? come on please i jus hav to show i don nid to say it to prove it. im not doing so well yet im trying to save up and working so hard just to spend tme with u. and u don even noe dat. if i don like you den why the fucking hell am i working so hard and saving up alot, its all bcos i wana spend tym with u like d old times yeah. while i don wish to say it here, cos i'll be spilling my secrets out. ive hurt enough. im tired of dis arguement. ive had and heard enough from you. thanks for saying those hurtful and fucked up things to me. yeaa i accept it ive gotta say. my own boyfriend whom i really trust and look u to and depend on, says dat to me. pfff while yea im to be blaming isit?ohh great! wen is dis arguement gonna end. great, if dis continue. well im gonna cancel all d things ive plan for us on christmas. after all, ive not been getting wat i wan nowadays. priority now is study and school. umm boyfriend? now is not in good terms so lets not say bout it.
tmrw working and im still not sleeping yet, its 3 in da morning and i have to wake up at 8 or earlier to go to work. fuck. eyebags getting worse i must say. while yeaa today manager was being my alarm clock for d first time. was sleeping soundly and she called early in d morning just to ask me to go work today. wah piangg ehk my voice was like gay talking to my manager due to d morning blues tingy. chets. and d bus was being a real bitch, so i cant manage to get to work on time. so had to stop at d next bustop and hired for a cab. and deres traffic jam on my way to work plus 1130bucks gone! can buy 3 combo one from longjohnsilver soyy. manager kept calling2, aiyer iritated lah dey. im otw for goodness sake so please wait. ok done ive safely arrive at work, bla bla bla help my oder senior setup here and dere. and one auntie ask so many qns bout dis lah dat lah. shut up siol im jus doing my job! haha random eyy. receive a call from manager and she wans me to go all d way to amk and send dhose loads of tings. aku dah tk sabar ni nk mit palin and oders, plak she delay2 my time. bt luckily, sumone was kind hearted enough to help send it. after work quickly change my clothes and headed out to cityhall. was really fun get to stay abit longer.eheh lied mummy i finish work late. so yeaaa she dint suspect a thing. and tsk late night talk was umm okay fine im hurt, dats all i can say so yerp don bother to brag bout it. abit upset bout d outing jus now. was really a bump for me. lets not say it. only god knows wat isit. as u can see i don reli bother to write dis post until its so perfect in english. like bahhhhhhhhh whos gona read my blog anw? no one probably. chicken feet betol tmr working, 25th oso working den after dat training smpai mampos. geee, anw looking forward to i am legend! who's up? p.s sleeping pills please? abit slpy right now bt i cant seem to get my hands off dis lappy. aaa yak yak yak yalah yalah shut up lah. okbye
okie its been a longgggggggggggg time ive updated my blog. yest went out with dhil and d gang. it was really fun. met dem at far east den we went to have a snack at chippy. haha sume hungry monster berebut for me and faizin's food. ahaha nehmine. and dey made me say dat"fried mars bar jeng jeng jeng" tingy. don ever let anyone see siaa. shhhhh. after dat we went to taka chill, dhil and abbas did a small shuffle showcase. ehehe it was fun though. while me n palin went to buy some drinks n olg chang kee. we're lyk still hungry for goodness sake. fet came and bought dhil a cake. sweet isnt it? we suprise dhil with a small cake eating session and a small party. we sang dhil a bdae song. haaa i wish my bdae was lyk dat, everyone came and celebrate my bdae instead. anw today we're sentosa but i still havent make up my mind yet. moon and d rest wants us to go. i really feel bad if we dint make it today. cos its been ages ive not went to sentosa. before i forgot, my aunt is coming to my hse and mummy wants me to help her in d kitchen. tsk,so now how?sentosa or help aunt cook stay home?geeeee. p.s HAPPY BIRTHDAY DHIL!
A date with baby today was so much fun. im so happy to mit her, its been quite awhile i guess. anw mit her at town have our lunch-cum-dinner at far east. and i treat her go eat, eheh well not often i get to blanja my gf ya noe. nvm since uve been great so its my place to return d good deeds uve done for me. we've gone thru d ups and down of friendship. i tink u noe wat im refering to right? anw just to tell dat ive been missing alot of tings since ive not catching up wif u guys. baby thanks for sharing. after had our stomach filled, we went to wisma to look for tops. oooooooh i had my eyes on dhose hoodies sweater and long sleeve top. damn if only i had 500bucks. woohoo!enjoy pah! in d end we went to d next store and i bought 2 tops for jus 20bucks. shop smart behbeh. we den proceed to taka, bump into abbas n amali have a small chit chat. actuali we were tinkin of jus hanging out dere but like im not much of a taka-girls so lets go cityhall instead. we made fun of dis guy at esp cos he really caught our eyes wif his bigggg hair, and apparently to my surprise he was one of d guys whos going to perform later on stage. shudnt had done dat. anw we decided to see wat he's band is playing. and indeed he had a nice voice. seriously. really. sumpah. dats ol for today now, tired sleepy.pffff sleeping now in a moment.. update u guys soon
nopps i dint cry everyday cos of eu. nopps i dint. imma strong girl. yea im no emotional person. so yea girlfriends come on behbeh text or call me up n lets go out have fun yaw. i take off dis week sey, ask me out anyone? im bored but loaded. ler if d tym wen im free, no one hardly ever ask me out. but wen im broke and im busy wif work. everyone kip asking if i wud like to mit dem. i'll be so wasted if i dint go out, cos i wana spend time wif umm. well u noe, and oso my gfs. p.s atink thnks for d listening ears. im glad ur dere to help me out. it was reli nice and ur good wif words. i feel better now. and yea ive forgive eu dear. dun worry k.
well to be honest, ive been waiting for dat day to come. atink im sure u noe wat isit. umm im still waitingg. hope one of d days wud be dis week. cos. umm i kinda took off and not work instead. mayb i shud kip it to myself first. not ready to let it out. jus hope he ask. but i'll wait. i tot its a good chance for me to hang out wif _____ since its holiday now. its dec now, umm going to start sch soon so i guess if dat day wun come. i'll be quite sad. ok diam. but still waiting.
everyday i cried bcos of eu. wen im wif u i tend to hold back my tears. i pretend to be strong. but wen ur not around my heart felt so weak. y mus we fite and end up hurtin each oder? wen we argue, im d one hu has to be patience and mek sure u dun put down d fone. but u seems d opposite. y mus u say u hate me?y mus u be so hearless?y mus u tek tings so easy? whers ol d promises u made,down d drain? lyk yest we argue n u said u were slpy. yea i understand but boy u kip me so worid. if i wudnt cal u, i wudnt noe ur bak. n boy u kip saying ur slpy but come on jus hold on a min. im not forcing u to tok wif me. wat breaks my heart was to hear u say dat to me. and to see d msg was heart wreckingg. it really scar a deep wound on me. and it teks forever to heal it. boy i kip staring at d msg ol night and i kip flashing back d arguements we had. i tried my best oreadi. well i guess u shud give me sum space. i guess u find me iritating, annoying, pest, fucking troublesome, shit and ur enemy. how worse can i be? gosh i aint ur girlfriend siaaa.i promise not ot call u first either msg and not to cry animore. but i jus cant help it.i cant slp rite now. how i wish u wud wan to hav e real chit chat wif me. u wud say dat u reli love me, u wud wan to spend ur life with me, ive made u fil most comfortable. u will owes by my side n u will nvr let my tears fall. n if u id, its ur place to wipe it away. n u wud cal or text me up jus to make sure im alright. u wud tel me im d best of d entire female in d world. i wish u were my wife. but *DEEP BREATH* i noe dat it wudnt hpn, not even close. im jus imagining tings dat wud far from happening.damn! or am i bete of my own? all my blog ive been posting it abt u u u. u still don geddit?i dun care wat happens to me,wat i wan is u to be happy and safe. pls don mek tings hard. ive been kipin it for quite a long time. behind those smiles and laughter i had was sorrows. it was ol jus an act to cover up my sadness. pls im not gaining ur sympathy. wat meks me break out is looking at ur comments u send me at myspace 8 mths ago and d replys i send u back was so sweet. i kip reading it over and over again, and i kinda broke out as i read it despite i promise myself not to. u said" i LOVE EU MORE THAN MY PSP !!!!! OR EVEN FRIED MARS BARS LAH SEY!!!! " rmbr?den i said"gosh!i mish u lah sial!serioushitte" aaaaaaaaargh! why cant i rewind it to dat time? looking at those cmnts and compare it now was whole lot different. ohh god i wan my old faizin back! imisshim! where is he now?
yay im back. yest was so tired so dint had a chance to update my blog. anw yest was hectic, first went to work at furama riverfront. whole day standing hadnt had a chance to sit. my legs gona ache soon. but it was fun though see how my manager hair spray ppls hair. lyk fun, but wen manager ask to try it i was too scared cos might spoil d ppl hair. den later panic! at d disco. me n manager had a chit chat chot abit after d whole ting ends. i was glad my manager was so nice dat she wanted to send me home, but no exactly home. d nearest mrt oni. wich was raffles mrt, i wen to change cos my white polo was glittering shiny due to d hair spray. nice uh but im going skafest eyy, so its a no no for me. i came late for d skafest, i missed d first 2 performance. but hey im jus on time for d sallys gig. wheee! d crowd was crazy and pffff one matrep was holding an umbrella while dancing. [aiyo put dat aside lah dey]. besides dat, i had truckloads of fun. did d skanking skinking skongking ohlalala. cant wait for today skafest. hope it doesnt rain. pls oh pls. yey! and tmr working! wheeee tings been looking up for me.
finally had a chance to use my lappy again. well i jus don feel right,i jus donnoe why. ive been busy lately cos of work training. and im glad its finally over. and it has quite been a while ive met him. mayb dats d reason why i don feel right animore. idk wheder im over-reacting or wadsoeva. surposingly, we're suppose to meet up today well pffff manager call for work last min. idk we cant mek it today again. we've been postpone-ing our meet. u got ya own tings to do and ive got mine. err well jus tkcr of ursef. ok i might jus stop toking cos its jus gona mek me misses eu more. update my blog wen i get back home yeaa. BESOK SKAFEST SIOL! CANT WAIT!
im so into blogging now. geee mayb its bcos ive been so bored lately. im feeling so effing boringgggggg rite now. been tinkin abt tmr work training, i got sleeping problem, and of cos ive always been 24hrs tinkin abt coverboy. haiz i guess today we're not gona tok on d fon as per usual. hes reli tired. jus hoping he might eply my msg like soon or wadsoeva, eventhough i noe he wun cos he might be slping rite now. anw ive hopp into dis girl's blog quite often. cant really tell who isit. heh been reading her blog recently and i tink her story kinda like touched me. jus be strong ayte girl,well yeaa i noe she wun noe im refering to her but who cares anw. urgh fuck! tmr gona wake early. im abit slpy now but im jus worid abt him cos hes not replying yet. so yeaa im so digging into dis bubble wrap song by mcfly. its kinda sweet and im dying to noe d lyrics.
This is the last time, I give up this heart of mine, I'm telling you that I'm A broken man who's finally realised. You're standing in moonlight, But you're black on the inside, Who do you think you are to cry? This is goodbye.
I'm a little dazed and confused, Life's a bitch and so are you. All my days have turned into nights, 'Cause living without, without, without you in my life. And you wrote the book on how to be a liar, And lose all your friends, Did I mean nothing at all? Was I just another ghost that's been in your bed?
i wud never want this hpn to me.im so reli in love wif d one i love[lykduh] and i wud nvr wan to mek him wori and mad abt me.cos wen bad things hpn u'll regret,i mean reli regret wat uve done.and u shud hav said sorry or i love eu to him at d first place.so start changing ur bad attitude girls dat u tink might bring disaster to ur life[hehe random but true though].it was really heart-breaking wen she lose somebodi dat reali cares abt her.eventhough he was mad at her but he still brings her home.and now hes gone,she just missed her chance and deres no way to turn back time.well why d heck am i explaining it to u guys?jus go on see d video.it made an impact on me.geeee if i were her i jus might gone mad and wud go to d guy's grave hoping sumtin hpns and he's alive again.so by which i wud say sorry a million tyms and we live happy ever after.haaa random well im bored now so jus checking out cool vid and posting it.coverboy is slping now,well kinda miss him already eventhough we met jus now.haiz pity him he gotta go KK at 1am and accompany hes cute babysister until tmr morningg.by den he'll be exhausted.deary i wish im dere to acc u but my momma don let me to.pffff well u takecare kae dere.go charge ur hp or bring ur charger along lah oso can so i wun get so wori and wondering y u off ur fone.i hope we cud talk tonight.ily<3 ohh yea benson have a safe trip to cambodia.havefun yaw! and and ohh pfff tmr werk training,d part wich i dun lyk is i have to mit sumbody wich i dun wish to see.but for hellsake we're doing d same job so i guess i have to bear with it.but thx to her i got dis job.tsk my leg infection is getting worse,ive been scratching it since dis morning.gona see doctor tmr lah.no choice hate hate pon must go.
its not even tomorrow and im blogging a new post.anw u might wan to check this webby instead if ur trying to hold back ur tears.http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Yourself-from-Cryingi hope it helps.enjoy
im telling the truf.i really did forgot wat ive said jus now.why isit so difficult to trust me?have i always been a bad girlfriend?no.well d slammimg of fone dint quite do a good job,its helpless.god is love this difficult?yes we may be very different but we can oweas talk.u don now how hurt i am.yes u r a boy and boys don cry over matters.dey get mad mad mad.idk y but i don tink u understand.u noe how i am last time right?and don mek me turn back and be dat girl again.ur d first one,let me make dat clear the FIRST ive been faithful to.wen im wif u i tot u were d one u were my everything but do you?ive been a good girl dis days.wen comes to u my mind wen blank.ive never love sumone like dis before.never in my life.ive always wasted my tears on u eventhough i noe dat its not worthy.trying to hold my tears back was hard.ive cried alot lately and im living in hell.i dk sumtyms i feel myself as desperate.i was partly wrong too but come on i wun tek all d blame alone.i don tink i can sleep ive been tinkin abt us lately.omg how sweet i am.for u to read dis i tink is a bless.but.for me to admit dat i love eu wen im mad at u at the same time was crazy.people might tink im stupid.but do u?and don tell me bcos of such small tings u wana get mad at me.all i wan is for u to change.i wish we were like lastime wher u and i were so close.late night talks w/o even yelling or slamming d fone.went out u n me. we sit,talk and spend time cuddling up together.i was so warm datym.u always be d first one to msg wen ur awake.i was living in heaven i mus say.well theres no guarantee in life.wat goes up mus come down.things get abit rough wen sumtin happened.i was deeply sad and i reli wanted to cry but im jus holding back cos i dun wana spoil ur mood.and its our anniversary i guess.geeee try doing dat to sum oder girls,can dey really tek it?how far will dey go?and don u even realise dat im always trying to calm u down n fix things up slowly.ohh dammit i need tips on how to hold back tears.aaaa god has answered me. tips on how to stop crying: 1.Excuse yourself to go into the bathroom or wherever. If you just can't stop yourself, then this is a last resort. 2. Think of the holidays, or birthdays or friends, if it helps, take a friend in with you, but make sure it's a funny or comforting friend (they always make you feel better). 3.Luckily, even in your deepest breaths, nobody really notices what you are doing, so they won't come to know unless you tell them. 4.Never run into the bathroom-- walk. Walk as calmly as you can. 5.Don't get yourself into any situation that might make you cry or stress you out. Keep calm. 6.Play it cool. 7.Don't let anyone suspect you are losing it. whohad the same problem as me.well u can always refer to d above-mentioned tips.enjoy reading.and sorry for straining ur eyes to read my blog.and i might come with anoder tips soon.am i crazy?ohh hell no i am not crazy ok.im jus stressed out.till den i'll update u soon.
went out with coverboy was fun as usual.yeaa i had to admit it quarell is our routine,but we did manage to fix tings up.thankgod.heh ohh im in love with this sweater at topshop but d price eyy mcm WAH PIANG EYY sial.if only im rich....and dats ol for today nothing much.and ohh yeaa gotta update for yesterday's outing too.mit zanna first we go dating2 while waiting for palin and baby to arrive.aiyo dey're really late and we were kinda mad but its worth waiting.dtdd had hell of a fun yest.we were so loud until d auntie beside scold us.pfffff if don like us den get out of d bus lah.haaaa i had alot alot of fun lah dey.and i really hope palin n baby like my cake,its kinda cold yeaaa,sorry but i tried my best.ohh lermak before i forget,btw yest i was so touched by wat nanis said.she misses us.well i thought u don even care,and yea sorry i delete eu.i was farken mad abt wat eu comment me.err u don even remember guess its a long time ago oreadi.shall we all start fresh?and u hav to admit it too rite,now u noe how me and d girls feel.at least u realised and we made d right choice.babe ive added eu oreadi,we talk soon yeaa nanis.ANW P.S SKAFEST MAU PAH?
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